Am I supposed to Apologize?

I have a lot of things I want/need to blog about. But currently there is something I want to say. I realize that pretty much every blog I've posted about India so far has been negative. I would say this is a pretty accurate portrayal of my time here so far. I haven't even begun to describe the last five weeks here, most of which has been pretty awful. I have had good days, and travelling here is wonderful, India is a beautiful country outside of big cities.

But the truth is most of my days are hard and frustrating. Most of the people around me aren't supportive, my Indian contacts lie to me repeatedly and get angry when I ask for anything different. I am treated like filth by many of the people I work with because I'm a girl, and I won't repeat the comments I get every day walking down the street. And this is from people who've seen white people regularly on these streets for the last 7 years.

Today, hit another all time low. I was walking to the hospital, when two little boys came up to me saying Namaste Didi, didi didi, which is sort of like hello sister, hey sister, cousin, older woman I don't actually know. I shook their hands as they always want me to do, and then they began asking for money. Most children in India do this, regardless of their economic status because they think it's fun. Or so I've been told, and these children happen to live in a large house down the street from me. I said no, nahi not gonna happen. So they pulled at me and I just kept walking. Then they threw rocks at me. I've had this happen to me before, but usually they are halfhearted throws, and have never actually hit me. These little boys pummelled me. I mean they got my back, my head. It was painful. I immediately broke down crying and walked back home, using conversation with they boy as solace.

This describes the frustration and fear I go through at least once a day here. This is the first truly violent occassion, but that doesn't mean I haven't experienced just as much disrespect in other ways. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not giving India a chance, am I an ignorant white girl who is just too negative? Should I apologize for my portrayal of this country?

I've decided, NO absolutely not. I've come here for an experience, and recieved misery. None of this is a result of my actions, except in the actual decision to come here. There are things I like about India, but they are grand concepts, ideas of the culture, and very few things have happened in my daily life which are in the least bit positive or happy. Every morning I wake up thinking this day will be better, I'll be a little less shocked by poor treatment and I'll be able to focus on trying to help a little more. Every day something even worse seems to happen, something more harrowing, and now I get physically hurt? I could say it's just the neighborhood I'm in, not India as a culture. But while there are grand concepts of culture I like, there are also many I don't like, and it is these aspects which are the root cause of the events which lead to my daily hell. Today's is of course, the fact that people do not discipline children in India. I have yet to see a mother punish a child in any way for bad behavior, even a simple bad boy. And I work in a pediatric hospital, I feel I have seen lots of mothers and children. This is a cultural root, one which has gotten me a nice lump on my head, and I will not apologize for loathing it, hating it, and generally being pissed off and fed up with it. In a few days to come you will see me post happy things about travelling and interesting conversations with surprisingly nice people. But for the most part you will read about an unhappy, fearful existence because that is my reality, chosen, but absolutley not imagined.